my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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