Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
