News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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