We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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