Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
where am i from again
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
