Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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