He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
