the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize