Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
