i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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