I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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