By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
