Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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