My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
4 words: hood of his car
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
