new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He kissed a someone with a penis
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
