But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
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