When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize