It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
