The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
