if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
