When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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