bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
