Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
