I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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