Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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