So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
