Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
