i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
