remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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