Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
