I feel like I'm in dance class right now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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