i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
