I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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