her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
