While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
