I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
