I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
