Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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