OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
