he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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