Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
