so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
