you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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