I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
