I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
