i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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