I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
