brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
