No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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