i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
