if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
