i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
