i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
