I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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