guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
