I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she looked like the before picture.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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