508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
