I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
