I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
