dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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