I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
