hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
