It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
